I’ll lose you twice, and it won’t be nice

The love story of Pablo and Erlinda Rael lasted nearly 56 years. And even though his wife didn’t speak to him for the last five years of their life together, Pablo’s love for Erlinda never wavered.

Like an estimated 80% of family members who care for loved ones with Alzheimer's disease, Pablo, with the help of his kids and grandkids cared for Erlinda at home – in the adobe house they built together by hand in 1968 in Los Ranchos, a village just north of Albuquerque. For a dozen years after her diagnosis, he watched over her. They ran errands together. Cared for their 13 grandchildren from their four children, and enjoyed life together.

A life-changing diagnosis

Life as the Rael family knew it changed in 2009. The couple would periodically travel to Las Cruces where Pablo would attend a meeting and Erlinda would take the car to go shopping. On one occasion, she called him to say: “I can’t find the hotel.” Pablo soon discovered that his wife was at the shopping mall right across the street from their hotel.

“I talked with the kids, and they acknowledged that they were seeing similar things – memory lapses – from their mother,” he said. Testing confirmed the onset of Alzheimer's.

Education and patience

Coping with Erlinda’s diagnosis was an evolving challenge for Pablo and the entire family. He attended some caregiver training programs with the Alzheimer’s Association of New Mexico, which helped him better understand and anticipate the changes that his wife would be experiencing as the disease progressed. And it did progress – for 12 years after Erlinda’s diagnosis at age 71 before she passed away in 2021.

“You can only truly understand (Alzheimer’s) if you go through it,” Pablo said. “It’s hard, but it brings you together.”

Pablo learned to adjust to the changes brought on by the disease. He would monitor the stove in case his wife turned on the gas without the flame. And she would wander “every chance she got.”
Perhaps the biggest adjustment came about seven years after the diagnosis when Erlinda began communicating less and less until she finally lost the ability to speak. She also stopped walking.

“That was a problem. She couldn’t tell me if she was sick or hurting or hungry,” Pablo said. “What I planned was to give her food at the same time every day. I had to work things out.”

A positive attitude

Throughout the dozen years that Pablo cared for Erlinda, he found positives in the experience. Even as one of Pablo’s close friends developed Alzheimer’s and experienced frequent angry outbursts, Pablo appreciated his wife maintaining her sweet demeanor and appreciation of her family.

“She may not have remembered some people, but she appeared to remember me and the kids,” he said. “She would smile and want to shake their hands whenever the kids came over. At least she knew that we belonged there.”

The only time that Erlinda strayed from her sweet, low-key demeanor brought a smile to Pablo’s face. One day, later in the progression of the disease after Erlinda had stopped speaking, they were out for a drive when they were involved in a fender-bender.

“Son of a b…” Erlinda shouted. “I was worried about her but, once I realized she was okay, it was funny,” Pablo said. “She didn’t say anything else.”

A loving husband’s tribute

Until a cure is found, there is no recovering from an Alzheimer's diagnosis. Pablo knew that when he wrote a poem in tribute to his wife of more than 50 years: 

I’LL LOSE YOU TWICE
I’ll lose you twice and it won’t be nice to feel the pain at each refrain
And now there’s tears instead of cheers when we hear the songs we sang along
La Historia de Un Amor, the story of a love and JEMA, gem, you are my gem my love my everything
When I needed you, you were always there, now it’s my turn and I won’t despair
When I walk for you and I talk for you, I won’t give up because I love you
So, I’ll lose you twice and it won’t be nice, but I won’t give up ‘til my time is up
And I know someday they’ll find a cure and no one else will be lost twice
That will be nice

There are more than 46,000 New Mexicans among over seven million Americans living with Alzheimer’s disease. To learn more about the programs and services offered at no charge by the Alzheimer’s Association, go to alz.org or call the Association’s free 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900.